just one more poem...then I am out for the eve...

[scott travis]

VANITY

Shattered mirrors
Engulf every part
Of your piercing needle eyes
And your think layered heart.

My daisies are your carpet
You seem to paint it red,
Crushing the bone and fibers
With your egotistical head.

Reaching up for mercy
You melt away my cry,
Shooting out those fire words
Your skin...cold and dry.

Cerebal images fill the air
And darken out my stars,
You erase the very beauty
And hang it from afar.

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[Generalkaos]

I know this is an old post, but there were no replies, so I thought I'd offer a little feedback. When writing a simple, heartfelt poem like this one, it's best to stay away from larger words like "egotistical" the thing is, used here, it really screws up your meter, which is a little iffy to begin with. Also, in stanza one, line four, you've got "think layered heart" which must be a typo. I read it as "thin layered heart" which still doesn't make much sense. I have some trouble binding the wording to sense, and I think the reason is your rhyme-scheme forced you to make some unnatural choices--especially in stanza four. Also, in that same stanza, your meter is destroyed once again in the first line by using the word "images" when "pictures" would serve the rhythm a little better. What I would try here is this: take the basic sense you're trying to get across and rewrite the poem without rhyme. Then take a look at it, and if you still want to write a rhyming piece, go back and exercise for rhyme and sense. If the rhyme overpowers the sense, the piece is undermined anyway. This has gone on longer than I intended, but I hope I've been of some help.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.